The making of our home

Almost every one of my posts from the past year starts with some form of " I've been a bad blogger." I guess that's because I have been. I get so busy living and enjoying life that I forget to make time to document it. I guess there are worse things to forsake...like the living and enjoying life part :)  


Anyway, I've been reminded recently that I've never posted any photos of the inside of our home after finishing up our what seemed to be ever-lasting main level renovation project. Thanks to all of you who have been anxious to see our progress and ever-patient with me while I worked on finding time for this post. For those of you who don't know, our entire home is a 'from the ground up' kind of project. We started over three years ago by pouring a walk-out basement and moving an old farm house on top of the foundation. We also added a large addition onto the back of the existing farm house. We lived exclusively in the basement for about two years until we got the main level nearly completed (minus the finishing touches) last December. So needless to say, we've been busy with our home renovation, doing much of the work ourselves (and thanks to family & friends) and hiring help when we could manage. 

I think that the last time I actually posted about our home renovation was when we were installing the stone on the front of our house. And before that, it was way back when we were in the midst of a roofing project. So much has happened since then. We basically started from a shell and made this house our own. I've had visions in my head as well as photos I've collected in a dream house binder book I keep of all my home ideas (before pinterest...old school!!) It's been neat seeing all of my visions become reality. I just love designing and decorating, and it's been fun taking a blank slate and making it a home. And actually, very easy as far as choices go. I'm not one to wavier on my style or second guess my choices. I think it's because I do so much research before I make any choices that I'm certain I'll love them. And it helps that I do have such a distinct style that I favor, which I call 'pottery barn style on a budget'. (I find great satisfaction in finding less expensive look-a-likes.) I like clean, bright, airy, uncluttered, casual, traditional, yet modern. I like craftsman style trim details complimented by a beach-y color palette of blues, grays, white and taupe. Thankfully Jason and I share the same sense of style, or at least he likes my sense of style, so we really work well together. 


It's been a fun journey, and one that will continue when we proceed to start on the second level of our home which is completely gutted right now. (We are working our way from the bottom up...with the walk-out basement level and main level completed and the upstairs remaining.) We have the plans ready though, so hopefully once it starts it will move along quickly. And then somewhere in the mix will be the addition of an attached garage with a second level studio/office for me that will also attach to the second level of our house. But, one step at a time!


With all of that said, it's time for the best part...the photos! Enjoy the walk through our most recent home projects:


The mud room (with board and batten trim work, hooks for all our coats, baskets for the kids shoes & gloves, and a gallery style wall photo display which I love...makes it easy to switch out photos and update them as I find the time.) 

And on a side note, I just love this little wire storage bin from The Land of Nod. Perfect for some of the boys endless sports equipment...

This room is actually somewhat temporary. When our attached garage is built, a bit of the garage will become part of the mudroom and will feature built-in lockers for all our 'stuff' similar to this... 





And the current mudroom will feature a small back staircase to the upstairs.


But on to other territory! From the mudroom, you enter the living room...

which features a very open floor plan into the kitchen, dining room, and down the hall...

I'm kind of a stickler for details, so it wouldn't be right if I didn't show you some of my favorite little features. Like the apron front sink...

and very cool 'industrial' style faucet...

the light fixtures...

the island...

the gas stove top with above pot filler and the double ovens...

And we can't forget the peninsula bar with stools for all the kiddos...

I've wanted white to-the-ceiling cabinets forever and love the contrast with the dark walnut island wood and dark wood floors. 

And I love the subway tile back splash you'll notice in the above photos. Although I think of all the choices there were to make, the back splash was perhaps one of the toughest for me. I knew I wanted subway tile, but I went back and forth between adding a decorative border or maybe an inset of decorative tiles above the stove top. And then there was the color. There were so many color choices. I had originally thought I'd choose white, but I am so glad I went with this smoky gray. As much as I love light and airy, I also love some contrast to keep things interesting and the gray tiles definitely contrast nicely with the white cabinets and play off the flecks of gray/silver that is in the granite counter tops. 


The dining room...

...features more trim detail with faux wainscoting trim and more of the craftsman style columns that I love that are echoed on the stair banisters and the columns between the mudroom and living room (and will continue upstairs eventually.)

Gabe and Cooper share what is now being used as their bedroom but will eventually be Jason's office once the upstairs bedrooms are complete...

It's small for two boys, but works for them for now and they're happy to be out of the basement and into a space all their own. I have ideas for a better way to display all their sports trophies and medals once their room is complete upstairs. They're definitely running out of space for all of their athletic hardware now...

Also on the main level is a small 1/4 bath, the laundry room and a few coat closets. AND, a walk-in pantry in the kitchen with built-in shelving. I don't have the laundry room, bathroom, or pantry completed yet, but will post photos when I do!


And, there you have it. Our latest home projects! It's been such a long, yet fun journey that we feel blessed to be able to do! We definitely couldn't afford our dream house if we just had it built for us all at once, so instead we continue as finances and time allows and we have patience and satisfaction in knowing that we are working towards making our house a home we will love.

Christmas Break Bliss

It truly is heartwarming to see all four of my kiddos playing the same activity (Batman)...working together (nicely)...and having fun. Pure bliss.

Polar Express party...and a streaker

I am a terrible blogger this year. As I look through the archives and see every month in the single digits for number of posts published, I am ashamed. I really need to start doing a better job of documenting our lives. The kids are only little once, and with four little ones, you know I don't lack blogging material. 


Take this morning for example. Chloe has a Polar Express party at preschool, so she got to wear her pajamas. I was taking her photo before school...

...when Gavin got a bit upset hearing the talk of this 'pajama party,' as Chloe called it. Gavin started yelling, "Party! Yeah, party!" and began to take of his clothes. I asked him nicely to leave his clothes on, but he was insistent on changing into pajamas just like big sis. I thought, why not! So I followed him downstairs so that we could get his pajamas and this is what I see as he walks towards his room...

Oh, the excitement and laughter is never ending with these four kids. I am so blessed to be called their mama.

God's plan is perfect, even in the midst of struggles

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but felt it was too fresh to click that 'publish post' button until now. Very few people know this even happened, and it could easily stay that way. Yet, I feel compelled to share my story. I hope it is able to somehow minster to or comfort someone out there who may be reading it. Or, at the very least, cause you to be extra thankful tonight for your blessings and to hold them close, hug them tight, whisper some extra 'I love you's' and thank the Lord for them.


It's been a trying past month, not only in reference to my last blog post regarding Gabe's struggles at school. There's been heartache, and hopes seemingly crushed, and loss. And there's been sadness. Yet, there's also been great joy and thankfulness. And there's been a renewed sense of gratefulness for the four beautiful, healthy children the Lord has so graciously blessed me with that I fear I cannot accurately put into words. But with this post, I will try.


You see, I was recently pregnant. I found out at about 5 weeks that I was indeed pregnant with my fifth child. The Lord had done it to me again. I had thought I was probably done having kids at four, but as He softened my heart, I realized I was not ready to be done. That I yearned for more. More kids to love and to raise up in His leading. More kids to share joys and triumphs with. More kids to have and hold with my husband, who we all know ALWAYS wants more kids.


And so, we tried. And as it has in the past, it happened very quickly. At 8 weeks, I went in for my first appointment with the history nurse, where she updates my charts and the lab does the routine bloodwork. Everything looked well and good.


In the past we had shared the news of our pregnancies fairly early on. I've never had any problems with conceiving and no issues during my pregnancies, so never really felt a need to keep it quiet. Yet this time, for some reason, we chose to wait. Maybe it was partially the fear that others would not share in or understand our joy to be pregnant once again. Although four kids isn't that many, some seem to think us crazy to want more. Other than a friend who asked me point blank if I was pregnant and I didn't want to lie to her, we told no one. A choice that soon makes sense in our minds.


I had been experiencing some morning sickness, but not as severe as with my other pregnancies, so I felt blessed.


And was I ever happy to be pregnant. I can't quite describe the happiness, but I was possibly more happy than ever before to be pregnant. The idea that it wasn't 'over' for me. That that stage in my life was not closed. That I would once again hold my own newborn baby in my arms and smell that sweet newborn smell. I was happy because I have so much more love to give and I was going to have the opportunity to give that love to yet another addition to our family.


At ten weeks, which was this past Wednesday (actually Nov. 2nd), I went in for my first OB appointment. My doctor for the past two pregnancies congratulated Jason and I on our pregnancy. We talked about our four kids at home and how much they've grown. We talked about starting all over with yet another and how excited we were. How excited the kids would be to find out. (We were waiting to tell them until after this appointment.)


And then, came time to hear the heartbeat. The doctor moved the monitor around my stomach, but nothing. My heart sank. I looked at Jason and he tried to give me a reassuring smile that things would be ok. But, I had that sinking feeling that something was wrong. The doctor told us it was probably because it was so early on in the pregnancy, but he wanted to get an ultrasound done just in case. He pulled an old ultrasound into the room on a mobile cart. He found the baby on the screen, but because it was such an old machine, he couldn't zoom in enough to see detail. So, he sent us to ultrasound. There were no ultrasound appointments available at our hospital, so we were sent directly to another hospital a few blocks away. And we waited.


The time we waited in the waiting room seemed like an eternity. I tried to disway the worries racing through my mind. We prayed. But, I couldn't shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach that things were not right. Then, my name was called.


As we were led back to the room and I changed into a gown, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest.  I didn't want to know. Maybe I could just stay in ignorant bliss a bit longer. But soon, I was on the table. And although the technician couldn't tell us herself, Jason and I both knew as soon as the baby was up on the screen. He or she was not alive. There was no heart beat. I tried to hold in the tears. I didn't look at Jason because I knew once I did, I'd lose it. And once I got back into the bathroom to change my clothes, I did. The tears fell and I mourned.


We were told to go back into the waiting room while the ultrasound technician showed the ultrasound photos to a resident doctor and called back to my doctor's office to get further instruction. Sitting in that waiting room was torture. I just wanted to weep. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole away from this public place and I wanted to cry in silence. And just then, a mother walked by with a little boy in tow. He was following his mommy and as he passed Jason and I, he looked over. He was about Gavin's age, my youngest son. He looked me right in the eyes, surely saw my tears, and looked a bit concerned at first. But as I managed a smile across my face at his sweet little face, he returned one to me. And was that smile ever comforting. Because just then, it hit me. I am SO blessed. Blessed beyond measure, just as my blog header says. I have a wonderful husband who is not only my best friend, but who is a better husband than I could ever ask for. And I have four beautiful children. Children who I had absolutely no problems conveiving or delivering. Children who have had minimal health problems or struggles in their lives. Children who make me want to be a better person than I ever may have strived for without them. And children who give me glimpes of the Lord's grace and mercy everyday I get to spend with them. Blessed indeed. And all of a sudden, I felt a peace and calm come over me. Yes, I was still sad. Tears still fell. I still mourned the loss of a child who we had been excited about and prayed for. But, my blessings outweighed that sadness. And more importantly, the Lord's love and mercy covered my sadness.


When we were asked to return to my doctor's office, we did so in mostly silence. I know we were both in a bit of shock. After four completely normal and uncomplicated pregnancies, no previous miscarriages, and absolutely no signs of an imminent miscarriage, this was the very last thing we were expecting. But, again, the Lord covered the shock. We were grateful. Grateful for all that we do have. And we possessed a renewed sense of appreciation for just how special our kids are. What a miracle life is, and we take it for granted everyday.


My doctor was so kind. He figured we already knew the answer when he walked in the room and immediately put his hand on me and said he was sorry. He consoled us. He gave us our options in the case of a missed misscarriage, which is where the baby dies but for some reason the body does not expel it naturally (on its own.) We talked about how my body is good at holding on to babies too long ;) I decided to first try medication to encourage uterine contractions so that I could expel my baby naturally at home. But after taking the medicine, it didn't work and I had to go back in for D&C surgery today (Nov. 5th) to remove the baby. It was the first time I'd ever had surgery or been put under anesthetic. I don't like to take drugs and had not even had an epidural for any of my previous labors, so I was nervous to say the least. But we prayed and our family and friends prayed, and I know those prayers work because I again had a sense of peace and calm that is completely uncharacteristic for this worrier. I felt the Lord's peace surrounding me. The procedure went as well as can be expected. I was sent home about 5 hours after I arrived. And tonight, I am feeling pretty good with little pain.


But most importantly, I am thankful. I am so very thankful for all the love the Lord has already showered on my life. And I am hopeful for my future and whatever path the Lord leads me on. Because now, more than ever, I feel Him right here beside me. Just as the verse says, "He will never leave us or foresake us."


I am in no way saying that because I already have four children, I grieve less for this fifth child. A child is a child, and not one is less significant than the next. Nor am I saying that we should not grieve. It's natural to grieve such a loss. But I am thankful that I have solace from my grief in the Lord and in the many blessings He has placed in my life to cause me to focus on being thankful.


Yes, there is a space of emptiness in my heart. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I wonder who he or she may have grown up to be. But, it is far greater knowing that God knows what He is doing. He has a plan, even when we may not understand it. He has a plan, and I trust in Him. And I have the security of knowing there is a child I have yet to meet waiting for me in heaven. As a friend reminded me, how neat to know there's a small part of me experiencing all the glories of God right now up in heaven.


Since this was originally written a few weeks back, we have shared our story with the kids. It was hard, seeing their faces light up when we told them mom was pregnant, only to see those smiles disappear as we shared that the baby had died and gone to heaven to be with the Lord. Our kids would have loved to have another brother or sister. The boys shared that they would still love to have another sister so that Chloe would have a 'friend' as they said. So sweet. We assured the kids that the Lord knows what He's doing and that if we should have more children, if they should have another brother or sister, then He will provide, whether through a pregnancy or through adoption. And since sharing the news, Cooper in particular has asked a few times if I'm pregnant again yet. The four of them have so much love for each other, that they gladly would welcome another. And that warms my heart.


And so we wait. Wait on the Lord, and see what He has planned for us. For He does have a plan and it is perfect. And in that, I find my peace.

A kind heart

Do I think my kids are perfect? Absolutely not. I KNOW they are not perfect. No one is, after all. Goodness, I'm certainly far from it. But, back to my kids. 


While I know they are not perfect, I do have to say that one thing they are...they all are...is kind. Maybe not always, but for the most part, they are all kind kiddos. 


Now I may sound like a bragging mom, and if I do, I apologize. There's nothing worse than a mom who thinks her kids are perfect when they're not. Or a mom who is always tooting her own parenting horn. But please know that is the last thing I'm attempting to do. Lately, the Lord has just caused me to really see how kindness is rare in today's word, where attitudes and rude comments are so much cooler. Where it is so much more the tendency to be in competition with others than to be their teammates. Where it's more common to see others tearing each other down than lifting each other up. And I am so proud that somehow, the Lord has blessed my kids with kind hearts. Tonight I want to talk about Gabe in particular. 


Gabe is my oldest, and he is a smart kid. He's clever and quick and understands so much more than I probably give him credit for. But Gabe also learns differently than others. Gabe has dyslexia. And although it's just a label in essence, it does help explain his struggles. His letters get turned around and make it extremely challenging to read. And because reading is a challenge, Gabe has to have some extra help at school. 


The extra help started off being no big deal to him, maybe even fun to get a break from the classroom. But now this extra help has possibly made him a target for those bullies that exist in every class. 


Gabe has come home from school before and nonchalantly mentioned that someone called him stupid. But he usually brushes it off and moves on. Gabe is definitely a confident boy in general and doesn't tend to let what others say bring him down. Gabe has also been blessed with many good friends. But tonight, as he lay in bed and recounted the day with me as he always does, his eyes got watery and he grew quiet. I knew something was wrong. And as he asked me, "am I stupid, Mom?" my heart sank. 


I of course asked him why he would think he's stupid. I've gone out of my way, anticipating the day when he would start to associate his different way of learning as being a negative, and have always told him that he's smart but just learns different than the average classroom is taught. That he just needs a little extra practice and it will all make sense. But as Gabe shared that on the playground today *Joey told him he was stupid, that he reads like an idiot, and that *Jimmy agreed that Gabe was dumb, it all made sense. Our words are piercing. They can go right through the heart of another, and make a lasting hole where they rest. Words can exist forever in the quiet echos of our minds. Words can hurt.


And as I once again told Gabe how smart he is and how he can do anything he sets his mind to, I then asked him what he said in response to those unkind words. "I didn't say anything, Mom. I knew I didn't have anything nice to say back, so I didn't say anything." 


Yes, Gabe is kind.


Trying to hold back the tears as the words, "am I stupid, Mom" played over and over again in my mind, I attempted to think of words of wisdom to impart to Gabe. And of course, our ultimate role model came to mind. We talked about Jesus, and how people were cruel to Him. How they said unkind words to Him. Gabe chimed in and added how people threw rocks at Jesus on the cross and said, "Kill Him, Kill Him," even though he had done nothing to deserve it. And yet, through the midst of it all, how Jesus continued to show nothing but love and grace, and now calls us to do the same to others. And Gabe then told me that's what he tries to remember when people are cruel. And, he asked for me to help him pray for his 'friends' who were unkind. (Please know that these are not close friends of Gabe. But to Gabe, everyone is a friend.)


As you can imagine, by this point in the conversation my heart was not just heavy, but breaking. Why is it that this sensitive mom is always the one who has to field such tough problems with my kids. Dad was still at church teaching the high school youth group, so I tried my best to get through the prayers. But as I ended by thanking God for Gabe's kind heart, I lost it. And to lighten the mood a bit, Gabe started to laugh at me hysterically. "Mom, why are you crying?" he said, as he giggled. I told him that sometimes moms are so overcome with love for their kids and so very proud of them that it comes out in tears. He said, "I love you too mom, but don't cry." 


I guess if there's one piece of encouragement I could offer to anyone who happens to be reading this, it's just to think of parenting as intentional. Kids don't accidentally learn how to be kind to others. It's our job, in words and in actions, to teach them. To show them. If we leave parenting up to chance, the world will take over. And God warns us of the things of this world. Who wants their kids under those influences. And we cannot assume our kids know by watching us. We have to tell them. A simple reminder before your kids leave the door in the morning to 'be kind to your friends' could do so much more than you'd ever think. Perhaps it could have saved my son from thinking he's stupid. And perhaps not. But I know that the Lord will grow Gabe into a man of character through the adversity. Because, thank God He takes our weaknesses and can turn them into strengths. He takes our hurts, and turns them into love for others, even others that may hurt us. And on that, I rest my heavy heart tonight. 


And one last request. I know I have so many wonderful, believing friends who may be reading this tonight. If you could, say a little pray for my son, that his heart would continue to be abounded in Christ's love and kindness, I would really appreciate it.

A simple note can melt your heart

First of all, yes, The Sanders Family is still here. I have done a pitiful job of keeping up with my personal blog. And, my photography blog too for the matter. 

The kids are back in school and homework is in full swing, as is wrestling practice. Couple all of that with my photography busy season and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. Thank the Lord for His strength, because I certainly couldn't do this on my own AND manage to maintain my sanity. And, thank God for blessing me with a husband who is ever-helpful and other family and friends who keep me on track. Boy, I couldn't do it all alone!

But, back to the reason for this post. My boys may be wrestlers. Tough, strong, no-nonsense wrestlers. But sometimes, just sometimes, they show what sweet & kind little hearts they have. Feast your eyes on this note that the boys wrote...for their SISTER. Seriously, Chloe is blessed to have some of the best brothers around.

"You are the best ever." ...and... "Chloe, We love you. You are 'awesome'. Gabe & Cooper."

I wish I would have had the video camera going when the boys gave Chloe these notes. As Gabe read them to her, a HUGE smile lit across her face. I mean, the girl was BEAMING! Talk about melt a mama's heart. Chloe sweetly asked if they would tape it to her bedroom door, after which she proceeded to tell me that she now needs to have all of her friends over to show them her newest door hanging. 

Oh, how I pray they all love each other just the way they do today for the rest of their lives.

Another old childhood photo

My mom was looking through her old photos and amazingly found another one of me! As I've mentioned before, there are not many photos of me...not that I'm bitter or anything...ahem. Just kidding! Actually, I thank my parents for their lack of picture taking when I was younger because I think, in a way, it may have ironically sparked my passion for photography. As everyone who follows this blog knows, my kiddos will definitely not be lacking photographic memories.

Anyway, back to the old photo of me. My mom kept telling me that Chloe looks like I did as a child. She kept saying that of course we have different hair colors, but the same features. And I have to say, I think the most recent photo find really does illustrate a resemblance.

Here I am at five-years-old...

I know, I know...great hairstyle AND top (insert sarcasm here.)

And here's the same photo, side-by-side with a photo of Chloe. So, what do you think? Do you see a resemblance?

Look-a-likes

Remember the show Punky Brewster? I sure do! Not only because I used to watch it, but because when I was little, everyone used to say, "You look just like Punky Brewster." 

And I mean everyone. My mom remembers being stopped on the street, in the mall, at McDonald's, and having complete strangers come up to her and suggest the resemblance between Punky Brewster and I. 

Here's one of the very few photos I have of me as a young child. I was the fourth child and the youngest, and my parents apparently forgot how to use a camera...;-)

I know, I know...don't you just love my heavy bangs and outer space t-shirt?!? 

So, here's a side-by-side of me when I was five and Punky Brewster. What do you think? Did we look alike?

Now, years later, my daughter is having the same occurrence. Not with Punky Brewster, but with a new commercial for Century Link (formerly known as quest.) I have had countless people tell me that they thought they saw Chloe on a commercial. And although it isn't Chloe, I do see the resemblance. 

Watch the video for yourself and see if you can spot the Chloe look-a-like...

Gavin, Clifford and Glow Worm too

You know what 'they' say...people start to look like their dog after awhile. (On a side note, do you ever wonder who 'they' are?)

But, when it comes to Gavin, I think he looks a lot more like his glow worm than he does his dog, Clifford...

Or, 'Clippord' as Gavin calls him. 

Either way, Clifford and Glow Worm are two companions Gavin cannot sleep without. 

Or, 'camp out' in the living room without either. 

Oh, to be two.

First day of school, 2011

I have a first grader and a third grader this year. (And, a four-year-old preschooler, but she doesn't start school for another week and a half.) As always, it's hard for me to send the kids off to school. What can I say...I miss them while they're gone. I miss their laughter, the funny things they say, their goofy jokes, the way they need me. And the older they get, the less they need me. Or so it seems.

But, as much as they are becoming independent, they still need me to be here for them. To listen when they have a problem. To have those fresh baked cookies ready that they've come to expect upon arrival home from the first day of school. To drive them here and there. To tuck them into bed at night. But most importantly, they need me to love them and pray for them. To be a prayer warrior for them, petitioning God on their behalf to help them be lights in a dark world and to grow strong and firm in their faith in Him. 

I pray that they would be 'taught of the Lord' and great will be their peace (Isaiah 54:13.) That they would hide His Word in their hearts (Psalm 119:11.) That God would fill them with the knowledge of His will so they can walk in a way that’s pleasing to Him and their life will bear fruit (Col. 1:9.) I pray all these things and so much more for my kiddos. And I pray for myself and for my husband, that we would raise them up in the way the Lord would want us to. What a huge responsibility parenting is, after all.

So today, I send my kiddos off to yet another first day of school. And I pray.

A little tired this morning...