An Ocean of Grace

Lately I have been thinking a lot about who I am compared to who the Lord longs for me to be. It's something that we are called to think about as Christians, constantly striving to grow and change and be molded into His image. But lately, it's been a struggle.

I tend to be a little overly critical of myself. Ok, actually a lot critical of myself. Not the outside, but the inside. I want to be everything to everyone. I want to be the perfect wife, the fun & loving yet disciplined mother, the good friend, the obedient daughter, the joyful Christian. But I am at the same time a perfectionist. Take the desire to be everything to everyone, add in my perfectionist tendencies and don't forget my sinful nature, and what I'm left with is disappointment. With falling short. With failure.

My analytical nature leaves me leaving any situation wishing I had been more of a light. Wishing that more of Christ had shone through and less of me. Why am I always getting in the way? I want my life to reflect Jesus, but more often than not, I squeeze in there and mess things up.

Because you see, no matter how much I want to be perfect, I can't. No matter how much I want less of me and more of my Savior, there's always going to be little bits and pieces of me getting in the way. Because I'm not perfect, no matter how much I wish I was.

Everyday I wish I hadn't said what I said, or did what I did, and am forced down on my knees {multiple times a day} to ask God's forgiveness. And everyday He forgives me. His grace is sufficient. Nothing I can do, nothing I can say, can make up for what I lack. Only His grace covers me. And for that, I am so thankful!

This is no new revelation. And as I look back to when I first became a Christian, accepting Christ as my Savior when I was 16 years old, I can see my journey and the growth is evident. In my desire to be in His Word. In seeking His guidance in my life instead of trying to live it on my own. In my heart for the lost, and my desire to tell others the saving grace I have come to know. My Lord is there in everything that is good about me. But I still continue to fail and to struggle.

Yes, my expectations of myself continue to be higher and higher, which in a way I think is good. If we don't expect growth and desire for God to change us continually, we're going to stay stagnant and mediocre...luke warm. And I have no desire to be luke warm...

“‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." - Revelation 3:15-16.

But at the same time, I set these amazingly high expectations {being a perfectionist}, only to fail and fall flat on my face. Frustrating indeed.

I guess that's why I've come to rest in His grace. In knowing that He covers my sin, and my failures, and my inadequacies. He covers it all. In the words of one of my favorite songs, 'Oh, How He Loves Me'...

"If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

I love that! I want to drown in His grace everyday, and give up my perfectionist tendencies and instead, desire to be grown and matured in His time, in His way, in His love and grace.